The funny page
An elementary school teacher asked her class to tell a story that
had a moral to it. A little boy raised his hand and told a story
about a farmer who took his eggs to market. The farmer put all of
the eggs in one crate and unfortunately when his truck hit a large
bump in the road, the crate fell off the back of the truck and all of
the eggs were broken. The moral to the story: Don't put all of your
eggs in one basket.
A little girl then raised her hand and told a story about another
farmer who made his financial projections based on the number of
chickens that he thought he was going to have. Unfortunately, not
all of the eggs hatched so he didn't have as many chickens as he
thought. All of his projections went awry. Moral to the story:
Don't count your chickens before the eggs are hatched.
Next a little boy raised his hand and told a story about his Uncle
Ted, who was a fighter pilot during the Vietnam War. While flying
behind enemy lines, Ted's plane was shot down. Before ejecting
from the cockpit, Ted was able to grab a machine gun, a machete
and a six pack of beer. While descending to earth in his parachute,
Ted drank the six pack. After hitting the ground, Ted found
himself surrounded by 100 North Vietnamese soldiers. He killed
the first 70 with the machine gun before he ran out of bullets. He
then hacked the next 20 to death with the machete before the blade
broke. He killed the last 10 with his bare hands. Somewhat
horrified, the teacher asked the student what could possibly be the
moral to this story, to which the little boy replied, "Don't fuck
with Uncle Ted when he's drunk."
A man traveling by plane and in urgent need to use the mens room
is nervously tapping his foot on the floor of the aircraft. Each time
he tried the mens room door, it was "OCCUPIED". The
stewardess, aware of his predicament suggested that he go ahead
and use the ladies room, but cautioned him against using any of
the buttons inside. The buttons were marked "WW, WA, PP and
ATR". Making the mistake that so many men make in
disregarding the importance of what a woman says, the man let his
curiosity get the best of him and decided to try the buttons
anyway. He carefully pressed the first button marked "WW" and
immediately warm water sprayed all over his entire bottom. He
thought, "WOW, the women really have it made!". Still curious,
he pressed the button marked "WA" and a gentle breeze of warm
air quickly dried his hind quarters. He thought that was out of this
world! The button marked "PP" yielded a large powder puff which
delicately applied a soft talc to his rear. Well, naturally he couldn't
resist the last button marked "ATR". When he woke up in the
hospital he panicked and buzzed for the nurse. When she
appeared, he cried out, "What happened to me?! The last thing I
remember is I was in the ladies room on a business trip!" The
nurse replied, "Yes, you were having a great time until you pressed
the "ATR" button which stands for Automatic Tampon
Remover... Your penis is under your pillow!"
A penguin is driving down the road when his car starts to give him
all kinds of trouble...the engine sputters, steam pours out of his
hood and there's fluids pouring out on the road. He pulls into a
garage and the mechanic tells him it'll be at least a half-hour until
he can even tell him what the problem is. The penguin walks
around, has a cup of coffee and then comes across an ice cream
shop, where he orders a double vanilla cone, getting it all over his
face. He goes back to the garage and asks the mechanic if he's
found the problem. The mechanic looks up and tells him "Looks
like you've blown a seal." The penguin says "No! Really, I just had
an ice cream cone!"
seal = säkring/packning, säl
blow = suga av
11 Reasons Why e-mail is like a Penis:
1. Some folks have it, some don't.
2. Those who have it would be devastated if it were ever cut off.
3. Those who have it think that those who don't are somehow
inferior.
4. Those who don't have it may agree that it's neat, but think that
it's not worth the fuss that those who have it make about it.
5. Many of those who don't have it would like to try it. (e-mail
envy)
6. It can be up or down. It's more fun when it's up, but it makes it
hard to get any real work done.
7. In the long distant past, its only purpose was to transmit
information vital to the species. Some people still think that's the
only thing it should be used for, but most folks today use it for fun
most of the time.
8. If you don't apply the appropriate measures, it can spread
viruses.
9. If you use it too much, you'll find it becomes more and more
difficult to think coherently.
10. We attach an importance to it that is far greater than its actual
size and influence warrants.
11. If you're not careful what you do with it, it can get you into a
lot of trouble.
Golf Tips
A husband and wife love to golf together, but neither of them are
playing like they want to, so they decide to take private lessons.
The husband has his lesson first. After the pro sees his swing, he
says, "No, no, no," you're gripping the club way too hard!" "Well,
what should I do?" asks the man. "Hold the club gently," the pro
replied, "just like you'd hold your wife's breast." The man takes
the advice, takes a swing, and WOW! He hits the ball 250 yds.
straight up the fairway. The man goes back to his wife with the
good news, and the wife can't wait for her lesson. The next day the
wife goes for her lesson. The pro watches her swing and says, "No,
no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard." "What can I do?"
asks the wife. "Hold the club gently, just like you'd hold your
husband's penis." The wife listens carefully to the pro's advice,
takes a swing, and THUMP. The ball goes straight down the
fairway . . . about 15 ft. "That was great," the pro says, "nice and
gentle. Now take the club out of your mouth and swing the club
like you're supposed to!"
One day God came to Adam to pass on some news. "I've got some
good news and some bad news", God said. Adam looked at God
and said, "Well, give me the good news first." Smiling, God
explained, "I've got two new organs for you. One is called a brain.
It will allow you to be very intelligent, create new things, and have
intelligent conversations with Eve. The other organ I have for you
is called a penis. It will allow you to reproduce your new intelligent
life form and populate this planet. Eve will be very happy you have
this organ to give her children." Adam, very excited, exclaimed,
"These are great gifts you have given me. What could possibly be
bad news after such great tidings?" God looked upon Adam with
great sorrow, "The bad news is that when I created you, I only
gave you enough blood to operate one of these organs at a time."
People have wondered from time to time the reason for an angel
on the top of the Christmas tree. It seems that one particular
Christmas Santa was rushed and harried trying to get ready for his
annual trip to deliver gifts to the world's children. He told Mrs.
Claus to wake him at 5 a.m. and to have his breakfast ready with a
lunch to take along. He then went to his workshop and told the
elves to have all the presents packed in the sleigh and the reindeer
harnessed at 5:30 a.m.
At 5:30 the following morning he awoke and jumped out of bed
furious with Mrs. Claus for not awakening him on time. His mood
worsened when he realized she had fixed neither his breakfast nor
his afternoon meal. Then he ran out to his sleigh only to find that
the elves, drunk from partying all night, had no presents packed
and the reindeer were running loose in the pasture. About this time
a little angel walked by dragging a large Christmas tree. Santa
tried to ignore her since his mood was so foul but the angel spoke
up and said, "Santa what should I do with this Christmas tree?"
And that is why there is an angel on the top of the Christmas tree.
A panda, out on a wild evening, starts talking with a prostitute.
The Prostitute invites him back to her place, which he delights in
accepting. Upon entering her apartment they have something to
eat and retire to the bedroom. When they have finished, the panda
is walking to the door, saying "Well, thank you for a wonderful
evening." The prostitute calls him back saying "Wait, you ain't
paid me!" The panda says "Oh! You don't understand, I don't pay
for it" The prostitute replies "But its hear, in the dictionary!"
opening a dictionary. She quickly flicks through the pages and
points to the word prostitute and says, "PROSTITUTE - Working
girl, Sex for money" etc. etc. The panda snatches the dictionary
and hurriedly turns the pages to find Panda.
"There!" he replies.
"PANDA - Eats, Shoots and Leaves"
It was George the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of
carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same
neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route he
was greeted by the whole family there, who roundly and soundly
congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift
envelope. At the second house they presented him with a box of
fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of
terrific fishing lures. At the fourth house he was met at the door by
a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him
by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed
behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she
blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever
experienced. When he had had enough they went downstairs,
where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham,
sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When
he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As
she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under
the cup's bottom edge."All this was just too wonderful for words,"
he said, "but what's the dollar for?" "Well," she said, "last night,
I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we
should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you.
He said, 'Screw him. Give him a dollar.' The breakfast was my
idea."
One day the Little Rascals were in class and the teacher says they
were going to have a spelling bee. She calls on Spankey. "Spankey
can you spell Dictate?" He goes "D-i-c-k-" She goes "No". Then
she goes on, "Alfalfa can you spell Dictate?" Alfalfa says
"D-i-c-t-a-e-" She goes "No". Then she calls on Buckwheat.
"Buckwheat can you spell Dictate?" Buckwheat says
"D-i-c-t-a-t-e". The teacher says "Very good, now can you put that
in a sentence?" Buckwheat replies "Darla how did my Dictate last
night?"
A guy named Chris goes over to his friend's house, rings the bell,
and the wife answers. "Hi is Tony home?" "No he went to the
store." "Well, you mind if I wait?" "No come in."They sit down
and Chris says, "You know Betsy, you have the greatest looking
breasts I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred bucks if I could
just see one." Betsy thinks about this for a second and says to her
self, what the hell - a hundred bucks! My husband sees it all the
time for free! So she opens her robe and shows one. Chris
promptly thanks her and throws a 100 bucks on the table.They sit
there a while longer and Chris says, "They are soooo beautiful,
I've got to see both of them. I'll give you another 100 bucks if I
could just see both of them together." Betsy thinks about this
again and says what the hell, opens her robe and gives Chris a nice
long look. Chris thanks her and throws another 100 bucks on the
table then says he can't wait any longer for Tony and leaves. A
while later Tony arrives home and his wife says, "You know, your
weird friend Chris came over."Tony promptly asks, "Well, did he
drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?"
A man and a woman had been dating for about a year and their
relationship was taking a turn towards getting serious. Man
proposed and she accepted, however she told him that she wanted
him to know that her chest was just like a babys. He said that he
loved her and that her measurements didn't matter to him. He also
told her that his penis was also like a baby. She said that she loved
him and size didn't matter. Come the day of the wedding and all
went well. That night the happy couple checked into the
honeymoon suite at the resort hotel. The blushing bride was in the
bathroom putting on a sexy nightie. Her husband was in the bed
waiting. As she entered the bedroom, she reminded him of her
confession about her chest being like a baby. "Don't worry honey"
he said. She took her night gown off and her breasts were the
smallest he had ever seen. He said that he was going to get
undressed and reminded her of his confession about his penis
being like a baby. As he took his pants off the new bride said
"Good God All Mighty. I thought you said your penis was like a
baby" "It is," he said, "9 pounds, 21 inches long."
Three gents are on a golf course. It's a difficult par with a water
trap just after the tee. The first golfer proceeds to hit his ball right
into the water. To retrieve it, he simply approaches the body of
water and extends his golf club. The water parts, he takes his next
shot and it lands on the green. The second golfer hits his ball
towards the water, but rather than sink, the ball floats on top of
the water. The golfer nonchalantly walks across the water and hits
the ball onto the green. The third golfer takes a swing of the club.
The club propels the ball towards the water, into which it starts
sinking. As the ball begins to sink, a fish gobbles the ball into its
mouth. At that very moment, a bird or prey plucks the fish out of
the water and begins to carry it aloft. As the bird soars higher,
there is a loud clap of thunder which startles the bird and the bird
drops the fish into a nearby tree. When the fish hits a branch of
the tree, the ball pops out, rolls down the trunk of the tree, across
the green and right into the hole. Moses then turns to Jesus and
says "I hate golfing with your Father".
The pirate Red Beard was being interviewed by a newspaper
reporter who was looking for juicy stories of excitement and
derring-do. He told Red, "I'm sure my readers would love to hear
the tale behind your pegleg." "Well, I was thrown from the ship
during gale force winds, and before me mate could throw me a
line, a shark bit me leg clean off." The interviewer was sort of
disappointed. "What about the hook at the end of your right
arm?" "I lost it in a sword fight with the Captain of the Guard."
Again the reporter was disappointed. "Certainly there's an exciting
story about the patch on your eye?" "One day, I was out on deck,
and a bird flew over and crapped in me eye." The reporter was
amazed. "That's why you wear a patch?" "Well, I'd only had me
hook a couple of days."
THE EPIC OF THE BAKED BEAN
--------------------------
Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for
baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing
and somewhat lively reaction on him. One day he met a girl and
fell in love. When it was apparent that they would marry, he
thought to himself "She'll never go for me carrying on like that,"
so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans, and shortly
after that they got married. A few months later, on the way home
from work, his car broke down and since they lived in the country,
he called his wife and told her he would be late because he had to
walk. On is way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful
aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him. Since he still had several
miles to walk he figured he could walk off any ill affects before he
got home. So he went in and ordered, and before leaving had three
extra large helpings of baked beans. All the way home he
'putt-putted'. He 'putted' down one hill and 'putt-putted' up the
next. By the time he arrived home he felt reasonably safe.His wife
met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed,
"Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner
tonight!" She put a blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at
the head of the table and made him promise not to peek. At this
point he was beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as she
was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She again
made him promise not to peek until she returned, and she went to
answer the phone. While she was gone, he seized the opportunity.
He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud,
but *ripe* as a rotten egg. He had a hard time breathing, so he felt
for his napkin and fanned the air about him. He had just started to
feel better, when another urge came on. He raised his leg and
'rrriiiipppp!' It sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled
worse. To keep from gagging, he tried fanning his arms a while,
hoping the smell would dissipate. Things had just about returned
to normal when he felt another urge coming. He shifted his weight
to his other leg and let go. This was a real blue ribbon winner; the
windows rattled, the dishes on the table shook and a minute later
the flowers on the table were dead. While keeping an ear tuned in
on the conversation in the hallway, and keeping his promise of
staying blindfolded, he carried on like this for the next ten
minutes, farting and fanning them each time with his napkin.
When he heard the 'phone farewells' (indicating the end of his
loneliness, and freedom) he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and
folded his hands on top of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the
picture of innocence when his wife walked in. Apologizing for
taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner. After
assuring her he had not, she removed the blindfold and yelled,
"Surprise!!" To his shock & horror, there were twelve dinner
guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party.
Och en i CAPS
TO MY DEAR WIFE,
DURING THE LAST YEAR, I HAVE TRIED TO MAKE LOVE
TO YOU 365 TIMES. I HAVE SUCCEEDED A MERE 36 TIMES,
WHICH IS AN AVERAGE OF ONLY ONCE EVERY 10 DAYS! I
HAVE GONE TO CONSIDERABLE EFFORT TO PREPARE THE
FOLLOWING OBJECTIVE LIST OF REASONS WHY I DID
NOT SUCCEED MORE OFTEN, AND TRUST THAT YOU WILL
SERIOUSLY ADDRESS THIS SITUATION.
THE SHEETS ARE CLEAN - 54 TIMES
IT'S TOO LATE - 17 TIMES
I'M TOO TIRED - 49 TIMES
IT'S TOO EARLY - 20 TIMES
IT'S TOO HOT - 15 TIMES
PRETENDING TO BE ASLEEP - 15 TIMES
THE NEIGHBORS WILL HEAR US - 3 TIMES
HEADACHE - 22 TIMES
SUNBURN - 7 TIMES
YOUR MOTHER WILL HEAR US - 9 TIMES
NOT IN THE MOOD - 43 TIMES
YOU'LL WAKE THE BABY - 17 TIMES
WATCHING THE LATE SHOW - 6 TIMES
NEW HAIRDO - 5 TIMES
TOO SORE - 16 TIMES
WRONG TIME OF THE MONTH - 12 TIMES
HAVE TO GET UP EARLY - 19 TIMES
OF THE 36 TIMES I DID SUCCEED, THE ACTIVITY WAS NOT
SATISFACTORY BECAUSE 6 TIMES YOU JUST LAID THERE,
8 TIMES YOU REMINDED ME THERE WAS A CRACK IN THE
CEILING, 4 TIMES YOU TOLD ME TO HURRY AND GET IT
OVER WITH, SEVEN TIMES I HAD TO WAKE YOU UP TO
TELL YOU THAT I HAD FINISHED, AND ONCE I WAS
AFRAID I HAD HURT YOU BECAUSE I FELT YOU MOVE.
YOUR LOVING HUSBAND
TO MY DEAR HUSBAND,
I THINK YOU HAVE GOTTEN THINGS A LITTLE CONFUSED.
HERE ARE THE REAL REASONS YOU DID NOT GET MORE
THAN YOU DID.
CAME HOME DRUNK AND TRIED TO SCREW THE CAT - 5
TIMES
DID NOT COME HOME AT ALL - 36 TIMES
DID NOT CUM - 21 TIMES
CAME TO SOON - 33 TIMES
WENT SOFT BEFORE YOU GOT IN - 19 TIMES
TOES IN A CRAMP - 10 TIMES
WORKING TOO LATE - 38 TIMES
HAVE TO GET UP EARLY TO PLAY GOLF - 29 TIMES
IN A FIGHT AND SOMEONE KICKED YOU IN THE BALLS - 2
TIMES
CAUGHT IT IN YOUR ZIPPER - 4 TIMES
GOT A COLD AND YOUR NOSE KEPT RUNNING - 3 TIMES
YOUR COFFEE WAS HOT AND YOU BURNED YOUR
TONGUE - 3 TIMES
YOU HAD A SPLINTER IN YOUR FINGER - 2 TIMES
LOST THE NOTION AFTER THINKING ABOUT IT ALL DAY -
20 TIMES
CAME IN YOU PAJAMAS WHILE READING A DIRTY BOOK -
6 TIMES
TOO BUSY WATCHING FOOTBALL ON TV - 98 TIMES
OF THE TIMES WE DID GET TOGETHER, THE REASON I
LAID STILL WAS BECAUSE YOU MISSED AND WERE
SCREWING THE SHEETS. I WASN'T TALKING ABOUT THE
CRACK IN THE CEILING, WHAT I SAID WAS "WOULD YOU
LIKE ME ON MY BACK OR KNEELING?" THE TIME YOU
FELT ME MOVE WAS BECAUSE YOU FARTED AND I WAS
TRYING TO BREATHE.
YOUR LOVING WIFE